The Mother's Day Blues

First I want to say that I love my mother very much. She is not perfect and neither are any of us.



But around Mothers Day, I always find the hardest time picking out Mother's Day cards, disagreeing with the sacrifices stated in church about how mothers do this or that, and thinking about what I should buy for her.



When I buy a card for anyone, I really take the time to read through it. I don't just pick it up and carelessly give it to the person, I make sure the content matches exactly how I feel about them. This year, my mother's day card reads this:



From your Daughter, Mom, here's the truth about us- our relationship may not be perfect. We have ups and downs just like everybody else. At times, we make each other crazy and let silly things come between us....But here's the other truth-we have fun together, we genuinely like each other and most importantly, we love each other...Happy Mother's Day!

Even that part that says "The Other Truth" I have reservations about. We love each other, that's true, but I havent always felt that way. I don't like some of her ways and no we don't always have fun. Now, people, I am not saying my mother is a horrible person and I'm not trying to embarrass her by any means. But I've always wondered my whole life why my mom can't be like so and so's mom. I grew up wishing my mom was like my best friends moms. I wanted my mom to tell me I love you and help me with homework, ask about my day, inquiring about the men and boys I've dated. I was in a very innappropiate 5 year relationship with a grown man that started when I was 16. (I will explain more about this on another blog) I felt my mom knew about this, but why didn't she do anything to stop me but to call me a "fast @$$"?-excuse my language. Why didn't I get the beauty shop appointments and clothes like my friends got when I was younger, but yet I always saw mom with fresh outfits on.

When I started working, I didn't mind helping my mom out with rent/bills, etc. But did I have to give her 85% of my paycheck? I made a mistake and bought a house with her a few years back. She said If I get this house with her, she will help put me through school and she would pay the majority of the bills. Well, it didnt quite turn out like that. When it was time to help with tuition, I could never get the support I needed AND i had to pay a whole lot of bills working off a small salary. So, we ended up selling the house within a year and getting an apartment together. It caused a whole lot of my debt as well. Bottom line, my mom and I got along so much better when we are not living together.

Why is it that sometimes I feel like she wants to live off her children and expects them to take care of you. Why do I feel like you try to embarass me intentionally or sometimes you even put up a front in front of people? There was a period during my younger life where I used to wet the bed and my mom never did anything to encourage me or help me, but attributed it to laziness while calling me pissy and other names. I hated that with a passion. I sometimes felt like an asset than a blessing.

When my mother first started to get sick, I made sure I was there to take care of her. Sometimes, I didn't even want to too, but I did it because she was mama. My mother has lupus and has had it for some time now. She still works and everything, but takes a lot of medication and sometimes in pain. I'm not sure if this sickness is attributed to the way she acts but I have told her on several occasions that I need she needs profesional help, of course with a whole lot of prayer. I often wondered if it comes from how she grew up. I lived with my grandmother a lot of my young life and she took good care of me. I know my mom and grandfather has had issues in the past and I think that affects her till this day. But even grandpa calls me sometimes and say, "What's wrong with your mama?"

My father not being there for me was hurt enough. But that's also another story.

Some people have stated throughout my life that my mom is jealous of me, but I've always dismissed that accusation. I never want anyone to be jealous or envious of me because trust me, I don't have it all together. I am not stating that I have it all together but I felt I have been a good daughter. Yes there were times I've been disobedient as all children. But I don't want to continue to feel this way. It's so hard to tell my mother I love her but I have no problem saying it to ANYONE else. I even tell my mother-n-law, who is wonderful.

Now, that I am married, things have gotten a little better. Although, she sometimes tries to talk to me like I am a child, I make sure she is corrected. I still feel the stentch of the past and still desire the close relationship with my mom. But I wouldnt know where to begin. She's not really growing spiritually and it's still hard to talk to her. She stays away from church more often nowadays and I really don't see any signs of maturity because of her latest antics (wont get into that).

I think my mom has issues, as we all do, but I know she has deep rooted ones. I would love to see resolved if she just focus and work on priorities, not worrying about material things but focusing on her family and spiritual growth.

This blog doesnt cover everything that's on my mind and doesn't cover everything my mom has done, but I had to get this out. Sometimes my mom does surprise me at times and buys me certain things, but there again, it's more than the material things. Love, support, and encouragement is desired greater. I'm going to continue to pray for my mom, despite everything, hoping for a change. I have to get rid of these Mother's Day blues.

I'm back!!!

Hey bloggers! I know it has been a MINUTE. So much has happened and I haven't been motivated to write. But I am here now and ready to share some thoughts.

Well, since I have last spoken to you, unfortunately, I lost my job; a job that I was on for only 3 weeks. The job I had before that, I was on for 2.5 years. But this last position was a government contractor position. I was soooooooo excited about getting something closer in the government. I just knew there would be growth potential. When I first got there, I had no desk, no phone, no email, no computer and NO work. For the first 3 weeks or so, I would sit and do nothing, file things every now and then, beg for work and contacting my out of town supervisor for something to do. I felt an awkward spirit upon my arrival there but decided to just make sure I stay in total prayer during my time there. Some people were nice, and most didnt speak or acknowledge you at all. On my last day there, I was given a task that was unorganized, last minute, with no equipment working properly and lots of pressure from folks that it kind of got the best of me. I had a panic attack when the deadline came because the task wasn't done because of things beyond my control. Well, the ambulance had to come and get me and take me to the hospital and I guess the job didn't like that too much. So, the next morning, my contractor told me that the government folks didnt want me to come back.

So, here I am. Looking for a job, working hard in school, perfecting my gifts and striving to get a little closer to God and live out my purpose. I decide to take a chance and make some more moves in my life.

I tried out for Sunday's Best, which is pretty much the gospel music version of American Idol. I told myself, hey what do I have to lose? I'm not working and if I have to go away for a little while, so be it! Well, my best friend, Cookie went and tried out with me too. Unfortunately, she didnt make it through the first round, which is bogus because I think she has an AMAZING voice. I made it through the first and second round that day. They informed us that the following morning, we will be auditioning with Mary Mary and BeBe Winans. I was sooooo excited. I called my Pastor and he prayed for me, I missed church on Sunday and everything!. So that Sunday morning, my husband went with me. They surprised us with one more round before BeBe and Mary Mary. This round was with the show's producers. One of the producers told us that even if Mary Mary and BeBe says yes, that still doesn't mean that we will get picked. It's up to the producers who makes the FINAL decision. They pick people who are different and has a story. I was like ooookkkk, well, I really don't have 5 kids with my babys daddys in jail and I'm working in a strip club to pay the bills, so maybe my chances are slim.
So, I was shocked that I made it through that, after seeing 2 of DC's heavy hitters who got turned down by the producers! SO, it was finally time to audition with the main judges, MMB. I got in front og the camera in front of MMB and sang Yes, Jesus Loves me. This was a song on the required list. I didnt do a bunch of screaming or ripping and running, as I was told this wasn't what they were looking for. I sang it Angela's way. Well, BeBe said, nice voice, but I don't think you're what we're looking for, 1st Mary said, I pushed too hard and 2nd Mary said I was too abrasive. So, I said thank you and quietly walked off.
I was a little crushed, embarassed--they let a lot of people go through before me. I think I'm a little embarrassed because I still may be on television. But what God has for me is for me.

Throughout those 2 days, I saw a lot of commercialism with Sunday's Best. And no I am not saying this because I was turned down, but it's the truth. Lots of things were done for entertainment and camera purposes. It was almost like American Idol.
I love to sing for God, but when it comes to being "famous" sometimes I get away from that because I don't ever want to change. I don't want to limit God in what he has for me, however, I never want to conform to the ways of this world by participating in the commercialism of Christianity. I'm almost confident to say that I can cut my album just to bless someone, continue to sing praise and worship and direct the choir in my church. God, I am not limiting you, but do I want to be famous? Do I want to be one of the ones they call hypocrites? I've heard stories about gospel artists and how mean, nasty and arrogant some of them can be. And not to mention the obvious trend of homosexuality in the gospel industry. Do I really want to be apart of that?

I'm asking God to dwell in my life and do what he has to do to let His will be done.
In spite of all that I've gone through and still going through, God, I love you and I trust you.

So, until next time bloggers, God bless.

Half- A%#???

My mom used to tell me when I was younger that I would do things, (please excuse my french brothers and sisters), "half-a$$". When I cleaned my room, she said it, when I washed the dishes, she said it, and any type of chore or task, she said it. Sometimes I would agree and sometimes I wouldn't. I noticed today that I carry this same action in some of my responsibilities today, or at least I THINK I do.

I am a wife now, and I know by far, I am not the perfect wife. I ask my husband to be a little patient with me, and sometimes, it seems as though that he is, and sometimes he isnt. After working 8 hours a day, sitting 45 minutes on the metro, going home, dealing with a dog, fulfilling my church responsibilities, school, etc, etc, yes, I get tired-and sometimes lazy. I don't always feel like cooking and cleaning and washing clothes. I love to cook and CAN cook, but I've never been Mrs. Homemaker and sometimes don't keep the house as tidy as my husband would like me to. I REALLY have to be in a cleaning mode which happens maybe once a month.

I feel like my husband thinks kind of like my mom, like I do things "half-(you know what). He comments on my lack of prayer, reading, studying and lack of taking care of the house. He made a few comments to me yesterday that really had me to start to think about this stuff. Some I agreed with and some I didnt. It just made me think: Am I half-(you know what) in my walk with Christ, the things I do for God and the church, and as a wife? Don't get me wrong, this is not me bashing my husband- but it made me think about a lot. I want to be better all around, that's all and maybe it's God using my husband to get me there. I don't know, we will see.......

What are you trying to do God?

Ok bloggers-

So, I realize that there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who are suffering, struggling, laid off, homes foreclosed, etc. I am truly thankful to God for having a job, but what is he trying to do?

I just left my previous company that I've been with for 2 1/2 years. My position was Office Coordinator, but I had a LOT on my plate. That title also included me answering phones, serving as my boss's Administrative assistant, managing the office, IT, vendors, supplies...and the list goes on and on and on. I wasn't valued and I felt like I was ignored when I asked for a growth opportunity in the organiztion and relief in some areas so my concentration can be more on what my job required the most-office management. So after 2 1/2 years, it was time for me to move on.

I have been wanting something in the government for a while now, so I figured I would start under a government contract. I've been here for a week now, and I'm like....umm, ok. I mean, I knew the government would be different, but I am just now getting my computer, I have no phone, no free coffee or water...LOL... and I feel like people are already trying to breathe down my neck. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Maybe I just need to get used to it, that's all.

But I'm wondering- God what are you trying to do. Why am I working this 9 to 5 stuff, working for ungrateful people (some of them), and remaining unhappy when I have so many talents and gifts I can work from. And if I don't like this 9 to 5 stuff, why am I getting my degree in Business Administration? Is it to prepare me to start my own business??? God's plan is confusing sometimes, but I will continue to wait on Him.

Here are my interests: Music, singing, youth, make-up, shopping, eating- I love to sing and I teach music. I love young people. I love make-up and putting make-up on and now starting to put make-up on others and I love to shop and eat. Is God making provisions for me to explore these hobbies and make them careers? Am I not seeing the signs? I know one thing! I need to get in His face and His Word and study and actively seek what his plans are for me. Because I can't continue to be unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong, while I am on these jobs, I guarantee that I will work the best to my ability, do my work and obey my superiors because I understand God's commandments in the place of employment.

I love you God. Continue to pour into me and show me the ways to go in this life.

I need this

I need this blogspot. There are lots of things on my mind, in my spirit, on my heart that I would like to share wtih those of you out there. Things that I talk to God about, but I may not talk to my husband, family or friends about. Sometimes, I just want to put things out there and say things that others are afraid to say. Things about myself and others-without being judgemental but allowing God to use me.

Those of you in blogspot land, I don't know about you, but God is definitely trying to get my attention about something. People may look at me and say- Wow! You have so much going for you- wonderful husband, beautiful home, a somewhat decent job, talents- but do you know what I go through? Do you know how the enemy loves to attack my mind and point out my flaws and insecurities? All this, while still trying to live for Christ, do His will and help and encourage others along the way. I'm going to enjoy this period in my life of spiritual growth and eager to see what God has in store for me!