But around Mothers Day, I always find the hardest time picking out Mother's Day cards, disagreeing with the sacrifices stated in church about how mothers do this or that, and thinking about what I should buy for her.
When I buy a card for anyone, I really take the time to read through it. I don't just pick it up and carelessly give it to the person, I make sure the content matches exactly how I feel about them. This year, my mother's day card reads this:
From your Daughter, Mom, here's the truth about us- our relationship may not be perfect. We have ups and downs just like everybody else. At times, we make each other crazy and let silly things come between us....But here's the other truth-we have fun together, we genuinely like each other and most importantly, we love each other...Happy Mother's Day!
Even that part that says "The Other Truth" I have reservations about. We love each other, that's true, but I havent always felt that way. I don't like some of her ways and no we don't always have fun. Now, people, I am not saying my mother is a horrible person and I'm not trying to embarrass her by any means. But I've always wondered my whole life why my mom can't be like so and so's mom. I grew up wishing my mom was like my best friends moms. I wanted my mom to tell me I love you and help me with homework, ask about my day, inquiring about the men and boys I've dated. I was in a very innappropiate 5 year relationship with a grown man that started when I was 16. (I will explain more about this on another blog) I felt my mom knew about this, but why didn't she do anything to stop me but to call me a "fast @$$"?-excuse my language. Why didn't I get the beauty shop appointments and clothes like my friends got when I was younger, but yet I always saw mom with fresh outfits on.
When I started working, I didn't mind helping my mom out with rent/bills, etc. But did I have to give her 85% of my paycheck? I made a mistake and bought a house with her a few years back. She said If I get this house with her, she will help put me through school and she would pay the majority of the bills. Well, it didnt quite turn out like that. When it was time to help with tuition, I could never get the support I needed AND i had to pay a whole lot of bills working off a small salary. So, we ended up selling the house within a year and getting an apartment together. It caused a whole lot of my debt as well. Bottom line, my mom and I got along so much better when we are not living together.
Why is it that sometimes I feel like she wants to live off her children and expects them to take care of you. Why do I feel like you try to embarass me intentionally or sometimes you even put up a front in front of people? There was a period during my younger life where I used to wet the bed and my mom never did anything to encourage me or help me, but attributed it to laziness while calling me pissy and other names. I hated that with a passion. I sometimes felt like an asset than a blessing.
When my mother first started to get sick, I made sure I was there to take care of her. Sometimes, I didn't even want to too, but I did it because she was mama. My mother has lupus and has had it for some time now. She still works and everything, but takes a lot of medication and sometimes in pain. I'm not sure if this sickness is attributed to the way she acts but I have told her on several occasions that I need she needs profesional help, of course with a whole lot of prayer. I often wondered if it comes from how she grew up. I lived with my grandmother a lot of my young life and she took good care of me. I know my mom and grandfather has had issues in the past and I think that affects her till this day. But even grandpa calls me sometimes and say, "What's wrong with your mama?"
My father not being there for me was hurt enough. But that's also another story.
Some people have stated throughout my life that my mom is jealous of me, but I've always dismissed that accusation. I never want anyone to be jealous or envious of me because trust me, I don't have it all together. I am not stating that I have it all together but I felt I have been a good daughter. Yes there were times I've been disobedient as all children. But I don't want to continue to feel this way. It's so hard to tell my mother I love her but I have no problem saying it to ANYONE else. I even tell my mother-n-law, who is wonderful.
Now, that I am married, things have gotten a little better. Although, she sometimes tries to talk to me like I am a child, I make sure she is corrected. I still feel the stentch of the past and still desire the close relationship with my mom. But I wouldnt know where to begin. She's not really growing spiritually and it's still hard to talk to her. She stays away from church more often nowadays and I really don't see any signs of maturity because of her latest antics (wont get into that).
I think my mom has issues, as we all do, but I know she has deep rooted ones. I would love to see resolved if she just focus and work on priorities, not worrying about material things but focusing on her family and spiritual growth.
This blog doesnt cover everything that's on my mind and doesn't cover everything my mom has done, but I had to get this out. Sometimes my mom does surprise me at times and buys me certain things, but there again, it's more than the material things. Love, support, and encouragement is desired greater. I'm going to continue to pray for my mom, despite everything, hoping for a change. I have to get rid of these Mother's Day blues.
5 comments:
Angel thank you for being so open and honest in your blog. This post was such an inspiration to me to keep blogging and to keep being transparent. You're an amazing person and I hope that things continue to work out with you and your mom. Thanks again and keep blogging.
Wow, thanks for sharing those deep feelings. I, too, grew up in a very similar situation. I was raised by an aunt most of my life, until she passed, after which I was raised into adulthood by my grandmother. My mother was young and wreckless with her life when she had me at the tender age of 18. I've never been close to her until about 6 months ago. As a child, my mother made broken promises, showed favortism toward my siblings and never told me she loved me. Even as an adult entering college, I felt more hate for her than I did love. But recently I gave my life to the Lord, and everything changed. Not neccessarily her, but I changed. I could no longer hold a grudge against her and made the decision for myself that I would walk forward and not think backwards. I forgave my mother for all the hurt she caused my young soul, but now that I am an adult walking with the Lord, I've learned to love her, flaws and all. I can't make her a better person, but I can show her the love that she never showed me. Believe me, I am a much happier person today.
Thank you Soul Sista for sharing that...nothing is more liberating than forgiving!!!! It really does free you!!! Angel again Great Job!!!
Wow...Angel this is awesome...I know so well what you speak as I grew up with the same thoughts..."why". I can honestly tell you our parents often treat us the way they were treated growing up. Its not an excuse but I've come to realize in my years that that's what they know and as we know alot of folks aren't open for change. Continue praying for your mom and know that our parents do love us but sometimes just don't know how to express it.
Again...great blog and keep God at the head and everything will work itself out.
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